pink.lemonade

fear of flying..

i am terrified of flying in planes.. i have been on more planes than 90% of people i know.. ever since i was a little baby my mother would take me over to germany (almost every single summer for months at a time) and even now i still manage to fly there.. plus i fly at least once a year over to colorado and at least one other place for vacation.. so you would think flying is no issue for me.. but ever since 9/11 i have been terrified of flying.. not because i think terrorist are going to hijack the plane or anything.. i think it has more to do with my active imagination and putting myself in those people, who died on the plane(s), shoes.. the fear they must have felt.. knowing they were going to die.. it's scares me.. i more terrified of my plane actually going down and crashing over the ocean, than i am on domestic flights..

i know i am not the only one who feels this way.. but it's something i deal with almost every single time right before i fly anywhere.. usually starts a month before my flight.. i start hearing more and more about planes crashing on the news.. i start having nightmares in my dreams that my plane is crashing.. just this month, i have had about 6 dreams so far where my plane is or has crashed.. i survive or wake up before we actually crash.. but the feeling i feel afterwards is enough to make you have anxiety and feel icky most of the day!

so, i sit here on my computer visiting all sorts of statistics on flight safety.. flying is MUCH safer than any other form of travel and it's REALLY rare that a commercial plane actually crashes.. 3million people fly EVERYDAY! and less than 1,000 people die every year in plane crashes.. so that's pretty good odds.. and it usually does make me feel calm reading those sites.. david thinks it makes it worse.. "honey why are you reading that.. stop it!", but to be honest.. reading websites written by pilots and reading about why a plane crashed makes me feel more at ease.. most of the crashes could have been avoided.. and almost 95% are small private planes (non commercial).. and the ones that are commercial are non american and have a history of bad maintenance or lack of experience in flying and handling a plane.. american commercial companies are one of the safest in the world..

i suppose my fear of flying isn't as bad as others.. like those who absolutely refuse to get on a plane. i still board the plane.. most of the time with excitement.. i never need medication to relax and i don't need counseling... so i have that working for me lol.. it's mainly just the month right before i fly that is the worst..

i also believe this time is different.. i feel like i would be more emotional if i died in a crash.. i would never get to meet butterball.. or experience being a mother.. etc.. (which is something i have been dreaming more and more of now that i am pregnant).. most of the time.. you have time to think about your life before you die in a plane crash.. i know i wouldn't be thinking, "i had a great life.. and i am ready to die" (even though it's the truth), it would be more like "the one thing i regret is not meeting you butterball".. and that thought terrifies me! i am telling myself right now, "anne marie.. if you had butterball in your arms now, you would be thinking 'i regret not watching my child grow up and experience life etc'".. it will ALWAYS be something..

hahahaha, now that i think about it.. two weeks before i got married.. (i was married in destin, florida) i went to NYC to meet up with my family from germany who flew in for my wedding.. we hung out in NYC for a week then flew down to florida for a week.. and back then i was thinking to myself, "omg.. i just know this plane is going to crash and i will never get to experience what a wedding is like".. lmao! just shows you there will always be something i will regret.. i just need to realize.. if it happens it happens.. i believe in God's plan.. i just hope God knows that i enjoy my life here on earth more than anything and want to stay here longer lol.. easier said than done perhaps.. and it's really not in my control.. ::sigh::

i really had to get that off my chest lol.. i felt if i didn't write about it.. i would be jinxing myself or something..

another fear i usually have right before i go anywhere longer than week.. is my cat velveeta.. she is getting really old (almost 20years old!) and my baby! i don't want her dying alone.. so i always have that thought in the back of my head.. if she does die.. alone.. i will just have to remind myself that at least i had 20years with her.. most people don't even get that.. i wish i could take velveeta everywhere with me..
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